"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." .Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." ..David Letterman

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education .. anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda. and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." .Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the United Nations Security Council, offering a compelling 90-minute presentation that not only furthered his case but reminded the world why America is second to none in the field of PowerPoint." .Jay Leno

"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'" ..Jay Leno

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida." .Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain." ....Jon Stewart (THANK GOD THEY DIDN'T MENTION AUST)

"According to the New York Times, Saddam Hussein has mined all his oil fields, planted bombs in all his major cities, he's got bombs in the military installations, in the airports, and he's mined all the government buildings. There's not much left for us to do, really." ...Jay Leno

"Good news for Iraq. There's a 50 percent chance that President Bush will confuse it with Iran." Craig Kilborn

"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up." Craig Kilborn

"President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed." .Jay Leno

"President Bush found out something this week. Between the countries of Cameroon, Chile, Angola and Syria, Angola plays the best music when they put you on hold." Craig Kilborn

"Turkey has voted not to allow U.S. troops into their country and Saddam Hussein said 'You can do that?'" ... .Jay Leno

A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organization called 'Books Not Bombs.' President Bush said, 'Why do you want to drop books on them?'" .Jay Leno

"My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I took her down the street to the local Texaco." .Jay Leno

"Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free." .Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." .Jay Leno

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." ... Conan O'Brien

"I read today that the president was interrupted 73 times by applause and 75 times by really big words." ..Jay Leno

"This week officials from France, Russia and Germany accused President Bush of having a fondness for war. Yeah, when asked about it, a spokesman for Bush said, 'It's a one syllable word, of course he's fond of it.'" Conan O'Brien

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