- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
- According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
- All generalizations are false.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
- Assassins do it from behind!
- Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
- Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death
- BRIGGS-STRATTON RACING TEAM
- CAUTION: DRIVER EMITS DEADLY GAS'
- Caution: I drive like you do.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
- Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name
from your mailing list.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
- Don't adjust your mind, the fault is with reality.
- Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
- Don't come knocking if the car is rocking
- Don't Steal....The Government hates Competition.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- DRIVE LIKE HELL; YOU'LL GET THERE
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!
- E. coli Happens
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Eschew obfuscation.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Few women admit their age, Few men act it!
- First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..
- FOLLOW ME FOR GREAT FAST-FOOD VALUES
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
- FREE TIBET - HALFPRICE MONGOLIA
- Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Got kleptomania? Take something for it.
- Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- Hang up and drive.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
- He who hesitates is not only lost - but miles from the next exit.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest
- Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
- Horn broken, watch for finger.
- Honk if anything falls off.
- How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I BRAKE FOR LAWYERS
- I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
- I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
- I is a college student.
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
- I love cats...they taste just like chicken
- I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
- I may be slow...... but I'm ahead of you!
- I refuse to have a battle of wits - with an unarmed person.
- I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
- i souport publik edekasion
- I think - therefore I don't listen to Dan Rather.
- I think you left the stove on.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather ...Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
- I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- If we quit voting, will they all go away?
- If you are psychic - think HONK.
- If you can't feed em, Don't breed em
- If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalks
- If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR FREE HELP
- I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
- I'm Changing Lanes - Dare To Think For Yourself
- I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am
- I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
- Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- Keep honking, I'm reloading.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.
- Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
- Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
- Lord save me from your followers.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Men call us birds, we pick up worms.
- Minds are like parachutes, they only function when open.
- Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
- More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
- My child was Inmate of the month, at the California Youth Correctional
- My kid beat up your honor student!
- My other car is a piece of junk too.
- MY OTHER CAR IS EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING
- No Radio - Already Stolen
- Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
- Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
- Nuke the gay unborn whales for Jesus!
- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- PROCRASTINATION ASSOCIATION OF TOMORROW
- Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
- REHAB is for quitters
- SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver
- Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Seen on a woman's car: Men call us birds, we pick up worms
- Seen on an old, beat-up car: This is not an abandoned vehicle.
- Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
- Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- So many cats, so few recipes.
- So many stupid people... so few comets.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- The Earth is full - go home.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- This car is constipated, it can't pass anything.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
- Tow-ers will be violated
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
- WELCOME TO PHILADELPHIA-HEY!!! THAT'S MY CAR!!!
- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
- Which came first? The woman or the department store?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
- Wink, I'll do the rest!
- Women are born leaders...you're following one now!
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- WORK IS THE CURSE OF THE DRINKING CLASS
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish
- You can't have everything, where would you put it?
- Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Zurück zur Witzeseite
Zurück zur Startseite
Diesen Witz drucken
Diese Seite © 2001 Günter
Schw@ninger
Stand: 06.06.2001
Diese Seite ist Teil
von Günters
Heimseite.
Die Einstiegsadresse lautet http://schwaninger.org.
Bitte verwenden Sie ausschließlich diese Einstiegsadresse, weil sich die
Adresse der gerade sichtbaren Seite jederzeit ohne Vorwarnung ändern
kann.