Alcohol user's troubleshooting guide

Symptom Fault Action to be taken
Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet. Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pint; practice with a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is usually pale and clear. Glass is empty. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet wet and cold. Glass is emtpy. Turn glass the other way up, so that open end is pointing at the ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Poor bladder control Go and stand next to a dog; later, complain to dog's owner about its lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.
Bar blurred. You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar swaying. Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another pub; if not, complain that you're being hijacked by the salvation army.
You notice the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights. You have fallen over backwards. If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking then stay put.
Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and dog ends. You have fallen over forwards. Same as for falling backwards.
Everthing has gone dark. The bar is closing. PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it's opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

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